It Was Never Really About The Food 

Some people may have trouble gaining or losing weight, but for me, it’s a bit more complicated. 

 

My weight fluctuates: I can lose weight really fast or gain weight quickly. That may be a compliment for some, but it causes body dysmorphia for me.

 

When I was in high school, sure, I was athletic, I played soccer, ran track, and even was captain of the cheerleading team, but no one knew what I was dealing with inside.

 

Most days I would eat and go to the school’s bathroom and purge (self-induced vomiting)  and walk out as if nothing had happened, and other days I wouldn’t eat at all because I was so stuck criticizing myself in the mirror of being too “fat” even though I weighed 124 lbs. It wasn’t the food, it was me. I was in my head, comparing myself to how I wanted to look. 

 

It’s odd. I never compared myself to other people or wished I were framed like someone else. It was more of me looking in the mirror, visualizing that I’m too skinny or too overweight. 

 

Last year, I learned there was an explanation for what I was experiencing, called disordered eating. It’s a mix of behaviors that can range from binge eating, overeating, restrictive eating, and exhibiting behaviors of eating disorders.

 

Disordered eating can cause body dysmorphia, which can take a toll on one’s mental and physical health. One week I may feel great about my body, and other days I may feel like I’m too overweight or too skinny. It’s a constant battle in my head, that’s tiring. 

 

Looking back, I realize it was never really about the food. It was about how I saw myself and the constant battle between my mind and reflection. My experience has taught me that disordered eating does not always look the same for everyone, and sometimes the signs are hidden behind a person who appears perfectly fine. I am still pushing through and learning to accept my body through every change, but now I understand that what I see in the mirror does not always define the reality of who I am.